


Colors of the Soul

by stirigiphile



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:23:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stirigiphile/pseuds/stirigiphile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the rooftop at the Church of Lilith, something goes awry with the binding ritual, and Jace Lightwood and Sebastian Morgenstern trade bodies. In Jace’s body, with the blood of Ithuriel in his veins, Jonathan Morgenstern is free, and in a cruel twist of fate, Jace’s soul is withering away inside of the body of Sebastian Morgenstern. Clary must team up with her brother if she has any hope of saving Jace from demon blood and madness, and reversing the binding ritual. But will Jace thwart their plans by forcing Clary and Jonathan to drink Lilith’s blood, or through other means?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I had this idea a long time ago. It’s certainly not original. Someone may have gotten around to writing the exact same premise by now. COLS has been out for pretty much forever and a day. However, I have a deep love for Clary Fray and Sebastian Jonathan Morgenstern’s relationship, and really hoped to convey that through this fic.

 

Colors of the Soul

Chapter One

 

Clary was forced to watch as the symbol of binding and connection was carved against the flesh of Jace’s chest, directly above his heart. He groaned in pain as blood poured out of the wound the knife inflicted. “No!” She screamed, too late to stop the ritual.

  
She couldn’t move from the spot where Lilith had confined her with magic. Sebastian Morgenstern’s body stirred inside of the glass coffin, coming to life as Jace stood over it and his blood dropped into the water down below. Once their blood mixed, the compact was sealed, the ritual ended. Sebastian rose up out of the water, gasping for breath, just as Jace looked at his hands and grew alarmed.

“This isn’t right,” Jace said. “The magic was supposed to bind you to my will, compel you to do as I wished. Something clearly went wrong.”

  
Sebastian climbed out of the coffin, standing near Jace. His naked body was wet and completely exposed. He took the clothing laying in a pile nearby and began to dress himself quickly. “Or something went right. You have no power to compel me. I’m free. And now I’m more powerful, more capable of stopping you from your plans to destroy our world.”

  
Confusion swept over Clary. Nothing about the scene taking place in front of her made sense.

“Jace?” She called.

“I don’t-” Jace stopped whatever he had begun saying. Turning his head, he looked at her. His eyes were a brilliant green, almost identical to her own. “Clarissa,” He said. At his side, Sebastian sighed. He was finally clothed, and preparing to leave any second.

“Clary, love,” Sebastian said, with gentleness and affection that made her skin crawl like insects were skittering underneath her skin, “You must be aware, deep down, that it’s me inside? I’m Jace.”

“You’re confused,” Clary said. “What happened to you both?” The key to discovering what was wrong with them was whatever went awry with the spell of binding, the inversion of the parabatai ritual.

“He’s telling the truth, Clarissa. But you can’t trust him,” Jace said, stepping forward.

“You’re only confusing her more,” Sebastian accused. Then he spoke to Clary. “I know it’s difficult to believe, but there isn’t time to explain. You’ll have to trust us and come with us, before the Council arrives and it’s too late.”

Unshed tears welled up in Clary’s eyes. “I can’t move.”

Jace clenched his fists. “I’ll stay with her. You go on. I’ll bring her with me whenever we’re ready.” Sebastian’s eyes flashed at Jace. They were pitch. He clearly wanted to argue. “She’s badly injured. I won’t hurt her. She’s my sister.”

Nodding, Sebastian stepped onto the ledge of the rooftop. “You had better take good care of Clary, Sebastian, or I will find a way to bind you to my will. And this time, there will be no mistakes.”

“I won’t fail you,” Jace answered. Clary felt betrayed but grateful to lose her brother’s company.

“See you soon, Clary,” Sebastian promised, clearly unhappy to leave without her, as he jumped off the ledge and disappeared.

Jace knelt down and picked up Clary in his arms. She relaxed in his grip, wondering what happened to his blue eyes, just as the Council stormed the rooftop, preparing to engage Lilith and Sebastian Morgenstern, and discovering the site of an abandoned ritual. They also discovered Clary and Jace left behind at the scene, the only witnesses who could account for Sebastian and Lilith’s whereabouts.

 

A/N: Halsey songs Colors and Ghost and such are such lovely inspiration.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clave and some infirmary troubles.

Dried blood from Jace’s cuts stained Clary’s vest and shirt. He had been treated with runes to heal the cuts, and inspected closely by the Inquisitor. Both Clary and Jace had been spared a visit to the Silent Brothers Citadel only because Jace was convincing enough of a liar to make the Inquisitor half-believe that the ritual had been unsuccessful, only reanimating Sebastian, who disappeared before Jace regained consciousness.

“It is my belief that we should confine Jace Herondale and Clary Fray for an undetermined sentence until Sebastian Morgenstern is apprehended. Therefore, they shall both be kept underneath surveillance and with the protection of an armed guard at the Institute in Brooklyn.” 

This decision was met with agreement and disapproval from several members of the council, some of whom believed Jace should be killed in the event that Sebastian could not be found.

“The bond doesn’t work that way,” Jace said. “If you kill me, Sebastian won’t be affected. If the spell had worked, you might have a chance of killing both of us by killing one, and I would gladly encourage you to do so. Sebastian must be brought to justice for his crimes against Idris. He’s a dangerous criminal who plans on the destruction of our world. It makes no difference to him whether the world is inhabited by human, Shadowhunter, the night’s children, or the children of the moon. He plans to kill every single last inhabitant, giving the world over to the demon Lilith and turning it into a demon’s paradise.”

Clary grimaced. Her brother and father’s madness was truly astounding as much as it was legendary. A number of council members were glancing her way as Jace spoke, as if they blamed her for their crimes against the Council or Idris. No matter how much she wished to object, she was silent, pretending not to notice their stares or silent accusations, having grown used to their appraisals of her regarding her brother and father.

The inquisitor moved to stand in front of Jace. “Then you understand that if you attempt to leave the institute, you are breaking the sentence of this council, and will be placed in a cell in the citadel of the Silent Brothers, to be stripped of your runes?”

Jace frowned. “I understand.”

The inquisitor looked at Clary. “And do you understand? You have a penchant for breaking rules and laws, since you were not raised as one of us. Do you understand that the destruction of our world depends on whether you comply with the sentence of this council?”

Clary nodded her head. “I do.” It seemed to be the right answer, because Jace squeezed her fingers in his hand underneath the table and the inquisitor returned to the seat at the head of the Council.

“Then you may leave.”

Together, hand in hand, Jace and Clary left the impromptu council chamber that had been held in a meeting room within the institute. As the door closed, Clary began to feel more uneased as she stared into Jace’s green eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head, saying, “Not here.” Pulling her by the wrist, he led her upstairs, to the hospital wing where they’d first been taken.

He sat down on one of the beds and she filled the empty space next to him, confused when he moved his legs to place a small amount of distance between them. “Soon, we’ll be under total surveillance, unable to speak freely or talk about what happened on the roof. It’s important to talk about it now, and for you to completely understand what went wrong with the binding spell. I don’t want you to misunderstand, or to trust the wrong person for the wrong reasons. You have to make your own decision.”

Clary took his hand, which he reluctantly allowed her to hold. “Tell me, whatever it is, Jace.”

“Look in my eyes,” Jace said, waiting until their green eyes reflected one another in their pupils. “I’m not Jace,” He said, the meaning of his words lost on her at first. “I’m not Jace,” He repeated. “See for yourself.”

Frowning, Clary searched Jace’s eyes, the flecks of green and darker tones similar to her own instead of the piercing blue azure that had always been there before. There were other details her mind couldn’t help noticing, from the way that Jace had been carrying himself, to the way he spoke, and slight differences between the accents he usually affected while speaking English compared to the thicker accent from a lifetime spent in Idris. More than anything else, she felt that he was telling the truth, that Jace was not inside of those eyes, nor his body, and everything about him was wrong, changed. “Sebastian?” She asked, horror slowly creeping into her voice and expression. She backed against the railing of the bed, the metal digging into her leg as she rushed to grab her stele.

He held her in place against the bed frame. “Clarissa, please. Please, let me explain. The spell has changed me. My demon blood has been replaced with angelic blood, the blood you and Jace share with the angel Ithuriel. I feel empathy now, remorse, and guilt, where before, I only felt emptiness, sadness, loneliness, and hatred. I would have stopped at nothing to destroy the world and build a new one in my image, but now all I want is to redeem myself, to you, and to our mother.”

“You’re a monster,” Clary said. “You may feel all of those things now, Sebastian, but you’re still just a monster. There is no redemption for you.”

Letting go of her hands, he sat back on the bed. “You’re right. Nothing I could ever do would change killing all of those people, all of the ones I’d continue to kill if the demon blood was still flowing through my veins. But I promise I won’t hurt you or let Jace hurt you.”

She screwed up her eyes. “What? Jace would never hurt me.”

“You can’t trust him. He may not have been exposed to the demon blood for a lifetime, but soon enough, it will turn him into just as much of a monster as I was. He’s trapped in my body, Clary, with no escape for the foreseeable future. You’ve no idea what he’s capable of doing, but I do.”

The words twisted like a knife in her heart. She felt hollowed out. “This is all your fault. You and Lilith’s. She performed the ritual for your sake. And you’d been manipulating Jace from afar all along, hadn’t you?” She guessed. Sebastian nodded. “What is it he’s planning on doing? He talked about you and me joining him once the Council was thwarted.”

Sebastian sighed. “I’m not sure, entirely. We’re connected in imperfect ways. The bond wasn’t completed, meaning we still act independently, and he can’t compel me to do his bidding. I have my own free will, for now. If I had to guess, he will search for a way to bend others to his will, so that they’re mindless and subservient. It’s what I planned to do.”

“How?” Clary asked, wishing to know how Sebastian had been planning to accomplish this.

“Dark magic. Lilith’s blood. His plan will take time and he’ll be in hiding while he oversees its completion. I will have to go to him soon to keep up the appearance that everything’s going according to plan.”

“No,” Clary said. “You can’t go. He’ll find a way to properly bind you, and then you won’t have a will of your own. You’ll just revert back to your old self.”

He looked away. “He won’t wait long for us to join him. He’s lonely and compelled to make others like him. I thought you were like me. I believed you could love me, even. Jace will be blinded to his evil, thinking you’ll become blind to that evil too, in time. And he might not be wrong. You do love him. Deeply.”

The words Sebastian spoke filled Clary with so many emotions, she was no longer able to categorize them all separately. “I do love him,” Clary said, quietly. “Which is why we have to stop him from doing whatever it is he’s planning. We have to reverse the spell.”

“I don’t know if we can,” Sebastian said. “You should be cautiously optimistic, or pessimistic, even, about being able to accomplish a feat like that. I can’t allow you to put yourself in harm’s way without a fail-safe plan. We’ll need time to think of one.” When he bit his lip and looked down, Clary could almost believe he was Jace. For a moment, she wondered if she would ever truly believe that it was her brother behind those bright eyes, moving his muscle-corded arms, blinking Jace’s long eyelashes.

Unshed tears stung her eyes again. She took in a sharp breath, wiping her eyes with the sleeves of her tunic. “Why are you even helping? Why do you even care?”

He gave her a pained expression. “I was as much of a prisoner to the demon Lilith’s blood as Jace is currently its prisoner. I awoke in this body, free, in a world of light. I’ve been reborn, Clarissa, as hard as that is to believe. Deep down, this is the person that was always trapped inside of Sebastian Morgenstern, your brother.”

This time, Clary did cry, for Sebastian, for Jace, and for herself. She felt Jace’s arms wrap around her shoulders, pulling her to his chest. She didn’t attempt to stop Sebastian from comforting her, hating herself slightly for how much she needed to be consoled. Tears ran down her face, soaking into Sebastian’s tunic that damnably smelled like Jace. She turned her nose and face away from the smell and moaned in sadness.

“Clary?” A familiar voice asked, causing Clary and Sebastian to break apart. It was their mother, come to see if Clary was alright, and to inquire about news of her son directly from the source instead of listening to the rumors spreading like wildfire through the council and likely across Idris. “Jace, will you leave us alone for a moment?”

Clary searched Sebastian’s eyes and surprised him by saying, “No, mom. Jace should stay. He was also there on the roof.”

Jocelyn looked unsure. “Well, that might be true. Okay, stay, Jace, but let me look at my daughter and make sure she’s alright.”

Sebastian stood up and made room for Jocelyn to sit next to Clary on the hospital bed. Suddenly, Jocelyn took Clary’s face in her hands and cried with an alarming mixture of fear, relief, and sadness. Relief, because Clary had survived the encounter with Lilith and her brother, and sadness that she ordinarily stifled, because her son was still roaming free and plotting the destruction of their family, Jocelyn was sure.

“Mom,” Clary said, sighing. “I’m okay.”

“I know,” Jocelyn said. “I’m just so glad. I’m sorry you can’t come home. It’s probably best you stay here at the institute, though.” She didn’t say it, but it was implied that she meant where Sebastian was unlikely to be able to penetrate the armed guard of Shadowhunters who would be on surveillance and tasked with apprehending him if he appeared.

Standing behind Jocelyn, Sebastian paled.

“What happened?” Jocelyn asked.

Clary didn’t speak, looking at Sebastian. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it when he saw the green eyes staring up at him and the long red hair that had been carelessly swept up in her haste to arrive at the institute with the rest of the council, after the battle with Lilith’s followers. Emotions overwhelmed him fast but he managed to tamper them down, enough to re-open his mouth and speak. “Things didn’t go as planned,” Sebastian said.

“They rarely do,” Jocelyn answered.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary is woken from a disturbing dream and has an emotionally taxing conversation with Sebastian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Thank you for all of the subscribes, kudos, and comments. My tumblr is bowie--s if you'd like to follow my progress there.

In her dreams, Clary watched Jace smile at her, his eyes pitch and glinting like a cockroach’s. The vision scared her although she tried not to be frightened of him. “You have to fight it,” She told him. “You have to fight the demon blood. Please, Jace,” She pleaded. “Fight for me.” He reached out, gently caressing her at first, and she shivered, before he spread his fingers across her neck and began

choking Clary with a fraction of his true strength. He attempted to soothe her, quiet her. “Shh,” He whispered. “It will be over soon.” She saw flames spreading up the wall behind him, and meant to warn him that they would both catch fire. “Jace,” She managed. “Jace, please stop.”

Opening her eyes, Clary realized that she had only been dreaming, the weight on her neck only a sore throat developed from spending the night alone in the cold rooms of the institute without a fire to keep her warm. Looking up, she saw that Sebastian had been attempting to wake her up, his hand still resting on her shoulder.

Sitting up, Clary tried harder to wake up, fighting the urge to lay back down underneath the covers. “What are you doing here?” She asked Sebastian.

“You were crying in your sleep,” He explained. “Jace’s room is right next to yours. I could hear you when you cried out.”

Clary blinked. Her eyes were swollen from crying, her stomach painfully empty. “I’m fine,” She said tiredly.

“Are you?” Sebastian asked. “You look sick. Hold on a moment,” He said, picking up the flint and Jace’s stele, lighting the end of the flint and lighting up a witch fire in her fireplace. With skill, he had the blue fire burning in very little time.

“Thank you,” Clary said, at a loss what else to say. She wished for him to stay but also wished for him to leave. His presence confused her in ways she preferred not to think about. It was painful to look at him, she thought, as she took in that he was dressed in Jace’s jeans and tunic, barefoot and blonde hair a mess. “Come here,” She said, patting the edge of her bed.

When he sat down as she instructed, she ran her fingers through Jace’s hair, ensuring it laid the way he preferred and as best suited him. Clary had always been fond of Jace’s locks, which were a warmer, golden color, compared to Sebastian’s white. Sebastian stopped the movement of her fingers with his hand.

“Clarissa, stop,” He said, annoyed.

She frowned. “Do you think this is easy for me?” She asked.

“It’s not easy for me, either,” He said, displaying a bit more of a familiar expression on Jace’s face that made Clary laugh. “What?”

“Nothing, just, when I first met Jace, he hated me. And he’d always give me that expression,” She explained.

“He never hated you,” Sebastian said. “He always loved you, from the moment he saw you. I know because of the bond between us. I just know.”

Clary sighed. Perhaps it would be easier to think in terms of Sebastian being like Jace’s twin, his perfect doppelganger, who shared nothing in common with Jace except his appearance. Except it was Jace’s body. No amount of pretending could change that. “Love doesn’t work like that. You don’t just fall in love with someone at first sight. Maybe that’s what Jace feels is what happened, but it’s not true.”

“It’s possible,” Sebastian said. “No one has ever loved me. I have never known what it’s like to love or be loved. Our mother tried. Valentine prevented her from ever being able to love me. Jocelyn, Valentine, and you could never love a soulless monster, could you?”

Reaching out, Clary took his hand in her own. “You’re not a monster now. You’re human. Or Shadowhunter, which is almost the same thing. It might be complicated between us, and it might be impossible, but our mother has always wanted to love you, always grieved for the son she never had. And if I’m completely honest, I could love the person you are now. I could be your sister.”

Her words had a visible effect on him. “All I ever wanted was to not be alone, to not be the only one like me. Before the spell, I thought that you were like me, because you killed our father and were responsible for all of the deaths on that ship. I thought you could love me, if no one else could, if we were the same, but now I realize that it was a false hope all along. You are not like me. You never will be.”

Clary felt pity for Sebastian, which she had never thought was possible, in addition to the sadness she felt towards the poor creature that had grown up as the tool of Valentine, only to become a powerful force of destruction that went so far beyond Valentine’s influence. “I’m so sorry Valentine did this to you, and Lilith. I don’t think he truly understood what he was doing.”

“Of course not,” Sebastian scoffed. “I was simply unlucky. He gave you and Jace Ithuriel’s blood, making you destined to be together, binding you from birth. Ithuriel’s blood in this body calls to the blood in yours.”

The idea bothered Clary, although she couldn’t have explained why. “I guess Lilith’s blood is lonely, making Jace lonely enough to make others like him.”

“Yes,” Sebastian said. “I know it’s tempting to rule it out as a coincidence, that you and Jace are so drawn to one another, to feel like it reduces your love for each other in far lesser terms, yet it’s important in order to understand what motivates Jace now that he’s poisoned with demon blood. You would storm heaven and bring it to its knees in order to save Jace, and I would have done no less to make you exactly like me.”

Clary shivered, thinking that if circumstances had been different, if the binding spell had worked correctly, her happiness with Jace would have vanished. Sebastian never would have let her and Jace be together, or to ever be free. He would not have stopped until he found a way to make them like him, with Lilith’s blood trapping them inside forever.

Sebastian’s thumb traced circles across her wrist, then moved up her bare arms, his fingertips brushing against the inside of her arm gently. “By the angel, if Jace knew that I planned to betray him, and not deliver you to him,” Sebastian shut his eyes. “I am thankful the bond is not that strong.” Clary hated how much she longed to kiss Jace’s eyelids, wrap her arms around his neck, and reassure him that everything would be alright. That they would be together. Her body was physically reacting to the brush of his fingertips, waking up parts of her she wanted to pretend were unaware of him. Clary’s body was betraying her, feeling pleasure instead of the pain that should be shooting through her body.

‘It’s Sebastian,’ she told herself, ‘It’s Sebastian.’ She repeated the words to herself, over and over again, until the words didn’t mean anything. His green eyes opening caught her heart in her throat. “Sebastian,” She said. “You wanted to change me with demon blood. And then what?”

He frowned. “Clarissa,” He said, his voice a warning. He withdrew his fingers.

“Tell me,” Clary insisted.

“I wouldn’t have understood the difference between love and whatever it is you would have been like under the influence of the demon blood. I would not have known I was imprisoning you inside of your own body, your soul withering. I wouldn’t have cared I was torturing you. I would have forced myself on you, taking you against your will. I would have wanted to have a child together.”

For the first time since her dream, Clary felt sick, horrified, and disgusted. Her hands shook. “You wanted to hurt me,” She said. Finally, she understood. “Jace is going to be the same.”

“Only, you’re in love with Jace. You will forgive him, whereas you would not have forgiven me. And you’ll love him even though he hurts you, over and over again. It’s why I can’t let him take you away.” The certainty in his voice broke Clary’s heart. Fresh tears stung her eyes, and he wrapped his arms around her, not knowing how much she was breaking every second that he held her.

“Please, go away,” Clary said. “Leave me alone.”

Without saying anything, Sebastian rose up, his expression, or Jace’s face, full of concern and hurt. “Clary-”

“Go away,” Clary said. Sebastian walked towards the door and disappeared behind it. She fell down onto the bed, crying so forcefully that Isabelle knocked on the door several times before leaving her alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An apology, training with throwing knives, and Clary feeling herself in a familiar dark place.

A/N It’s been a while since I read COLS so I forgot that Sebastian is a numpty who can’t even fry an egg and ended up making him more like Jace. A lot of canon is played around with here. Let’s pretend he’s not a dyed in wool Morgenstern in a way that’s meant to point out similarities between himself and Clary. I mean. He’s trying to impress her a bit here.

 

A vase full of belladonnas graced her nightstand when Clary woke up that afternoon. She guessed they were her brother’s apology for the night before, how upset he’d made her by simply telling her the truth. Her eyes were swollen and the area underneath her dark circles were splotchy with tiny red flecks. She spent several moments over the sink with a cold washcloth pressed against her face to reduce the swelling, then brushed her teeth and put on a fresh set of clothes to join everyone in the library.

She was turning around the corridor that led to the staircase, when she felt a hand reach out and grab her by the arm. It was Jace’s arm, she realized, as she stared up in surprise at his face. There were dark circles underneath his eyes, matching her own, though they were clear of any signs of crying or illness. “Come down to the kitchens with me. I need coffee and canapes.” 

“You need canapes?” She asked him. “I don’t know how to make them.”

“Oh, but I do,” Sebastian said. “And I promise you will like them, because of genetics, probably.”

Clary was doubtful she could eat although she was starving but led Sebastian to the staircase on the other side of the institute and down to the kitchens. There was an impressive amount of cooking equipment and ovens and deep fryers, enough to serve more than the few Shadowhunters and severants who resided in the Institute, including the Blackthorns and Sebastian and Clary. Clary had noticed the presence of a few guards on the way to the kitchens, though they had not acknowledged her or even stared at her while she passed them by.

“Where the hell is the flour?” Sebastian complained, opening numerous lids on unmarked canisters. 

“Jace is also a passable chef,” Clary said, standing up on her toes to reach the canister of flour she’d seen Jace use any number of times to cook them both a meal. “You share that in common.”

“Of course we do. Do you think Valentine ever fed us?” Sebastian demanded. Clary decided not to tell Sebastian about the spaghetti bath Valentine gave Jace for his birthday one year, not thinking it prudent to make it even more obvious to Sebastian that Jace was clearly their father’s favorite child.

Instead, she busied herself gathering ingredients as he listed them, and helping to prep for the first dozen canapes that would go in an oven. Sebastian insisted on brewing coffee himself, saying that he was very particular about his coffee, no offense.

The end result was that they drank an entire pot of the most delicious-tasting coffee Clary had ever consumed that didn’t come from Taki’s Diner, and a plate stacked high with two-dozen canapes.   
Sebastian held back to let Clary finish the rest of the plate, not commenting that she ate quite a lot, or wondering where she packed it away like people ordinarily did. Perhaps they both shared a voracious appetite when they weren’t starving themselves.

“Feeling better?” Sebastian asked. Clary nodded dully. “Très bon, sœur. Allons à l'armurerie pour la formation.”

“Sorry, training?” Clary asked him to clarify. “Why are you speaking in French all of a sudden?”

In French again, he answered, “Yes, I’ll begin training you in combat. And I’m speaking to you in French because I know you understand it. You should at least try answering me. And not in small sentences, either, but full ones, because we are traveling to Paris shortly.”

“Oui,” Clary indulged him, speeding to keep up with him on his way to the staircase, throwing a backward glance at the dirty dishes that had been left on the counter and in the sink. Even though there were servants at the institute, she didn’t like to leave a mess behind her, out of politeness, though she’d been yelled at by a maid for attempting to clean up a smashed pot, once. “Porquoi la France?”

“Because that is where we will find Jace,” Sebastian replied, so fast she almost didn’t catch his words. She was only an intermediate student of French. She latched onto the name Jace, her heart pounding in her chest as she climbed the staircase almost as quickly as her brother.

“Is he in hiding there?”

“Not exactly,” Sebastian answered. “We can’t talk about that here, for obvious reasons, Clarissa.” 

She became frustrated. While she knew her brother was right, it didn’t make it any easier to be silent on the subject of Jace. They made their way into the armory, Sebastian handing her a case of throwing knives. “You will attempt to throw them at me,” Sebastian explained. 

Clary’s eyes widened and she wished she could raise her eyebrows to an appropriate height on her forehead. “Are you serious?” Jace had been intense while training her, but had avoided knives, tending to favor hand-to-hand combat and strength condition, including perfecting her forms through martial arts. She doubted she could bring herself to throw a knife at Sebastian, no matter how much she hated him in the past.

“What? Afraid of scaring this pretty face?” Sebastian teased. “I promise to catch them. That’s the entire point of this exercise. Your little boyfriend’s face will be perfectly safe.”

“It’s not his face I’m worried about,” Clary said. “I’m too worried about you missing, even once. I don’t think I can make myself do this.”

“You can,” Sebastian insisted. “Come on, Clarissa. Try it. You can do this.” The determination in his voice caused her to reluctantly grab hold of a two-sided blade and aim it with her hand before directing it between Sebastian’s eyes.

He caught the knife an arm’s length in front of his head, by the hilt, smiling as if she’d done as well as expected. “There’s that Morgenstern hell-fire. Aim for the heart, this time, sis.”  
Clary gritted her teeth.

 

Clary woke up, her breath rattling. She’d had yet another dream that Jace was attacking her, his eyes pitch and his expression menacing. Her heart was racing in her chest, her eyes sounding with the increased productivity of her heart pumping blood throughout the rest of her body. She was too afraid to go back to sleep. 

Silently, she got up out of bed and walked towards Jace’s room. She hadn’t entered it since the incident on the rooftop, thinking it would hurt her to see Sebastian laying on the bed, or sitting at Jace’s desk full of notebooks filled with bad poetry. Oddly, it didn’t bother her as she crossed the threshold and saw Sebastian asleep on the bed.

He was laying on his side underneath the covers, breath falling evenly in sleep. Clary crawled into bed next to him. His breathing abruptly stopped and he rolled over to look at her with tired green eyes.

She was still. Sebastian wasn’t wearing a tunic or a shirt underneath the covers. He was bare chested, Jace’s broad shoulders coming into sharp focus along with the corded muscles along his stomach as Clary looked at the witch’s light washing his face and chest in blue. He stared at her intently with his green eyes, saying nothing. 

“I keep having nightmares that Jace is killing me.”

Sebastian frowned. “Lilith used Jace’s dreams to manipulate him into letting me inside his head, to make him perform the bonding ritual. It’s possible you’re being influenced. For what purpose, I don’t know, but it’s not good.”

Clary bit her lip. “Why would Lilith send me dreams where Jace is attacking me? To frighten me?”

“Psychological warfare is used against enemies in order to take them out of a fight. Neutralizing an enemy makes them less of a threat,” Sebastian explained. “You’re powerful at applying runes and have strong magic. It would make sense to target you, to make you less capable of stopping whatever it is Lilith and Jace are planning.”

Putting her head in her hands, Clary rested her head against the spare pillow on top of Jace’s bed. “Do you ever have dreams that torture you?”

“All of the time,” He answered, moving her hands away from her face, and propping himself up on an elbow.

“I feel so violated,” Clary said. “I suppose that means Lilith’s won.”

Sebastian brushed his fingertips against her bare arm. “Jace lost his grip on reality. He lost control, just for a moment, and let me in. That tenuous hold on reality was chipped away at bit by bit, not overnight. You’re strong, Clary, and you can fight Lilith. You have to find a way of grounding yourself, of reminding yourself that you’re still in control.”

“How?” She asked. “I can only take so many nightmares, spend so many times waking up worried that I’ll never save Jace, before I completely lose it.”

He sighed. “You can sleep here. Stay. I’m right beside you and I’ll wake you up if you have a nightmare again.”

She slid closer to him underneath the covers and rested her head on his chest, looking up at him. “Thank you, Sebastian.” He didn’t say that she was welcome or acknowledge her words, except by wrapping one arm around her waist and holding her closer to his bare chest. She could feel the warmth from Jace’s body radiating off his chest and every square inch of their skin that touched. 

More than anything, Clary would have killed to kiss Jace’s mouth, repeatedly, tasting him again. The thought that he was trapped inside of Sebastian Morgenstern’s body, his soul negated by the demon blood flowing in her brother’s veins, waiting impatiently for Clary and Sebastian to come to him, was enough to make her shed tears.

Jace’s fingers lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. Instead of pitch eyes devoid of light, his eyes were a brilliant green, full of warmth and affection, and concern and unease. Jace’s face was directly above her own, closing the distance between them to press a kiss against her forehead.

“What’s wrong with me?” She asked.

“Nothing,” He said, not moving as he held her close. “Absolutely nothing. You’re confused. Go back to sleep.” He held her as she sobbed and moaned.

 

A/N: I strongly feel that the reason Jace was so vulnerable is he shut Clary out when he started having the visions. Clary letting Sebastian in will definitely help strengthen her defenses, but at what greater cost? Some sin will be in the next chapter. Sorry to keep you waiting if you’re here for smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos, friends.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the last chapter and more plans to escape the institute

In the glow of blue witch light, Jace’s face was directly above her own again, closing the distance between them to press a kiss against Clary’s lips, first gently and then more forcefully. Clary gasped, opening her mouth, as Jace’s mouth deepened the kiss, his tongue entering her mouth and teasing her own until she fought it for dominance, moaning against his lips.

Suddenly, Jace’s fingers left her chin, gently tracing spots of bare skin underneath her shirt down to her stomach. His fingers kneaded the spot above her hip bones, increasing her need for him to touch her more. He never stopped kissing her as he reached down and stroked on top of the fabric of her cotton shorts, drawing a line with his finger that made her moan in pleasure. “I want you,” 

Clary hissed, planting a kiss on Jace’s lips. “Please.”

Feather-light, he touched her again, eliciting another moan, before he moved underneath the covers, sitting up on his knees in front of her. Understanding filled her as he waited for her. She removed her cotton shorts, tossing them to the side of the bed, then her shirt until she was down to only her underwear and bra. Spreading her legs, Clary left room for him to lay down on top of her. He supported himself on his hands on either side of her, bringing his head down low for a kiss.

Clary crushed her mouth against his, allowing him to touch all over her body with his hands, pressing their bodies close together as he pressed his erection against the ridge of her pubic bone. She shifted, so that his erection slid against the top of her underwear, and he hissed, planting firmer kisses against her mouth.

Once more, he drew his finger in a line down her underwear, making Clary wild with longing. He then drew a circle against her, the perfect shape to make her beg. “Please,” She whispered. Slowly, he removed her underwear, sliding them down her legs and off her feet, tossing them next to her cotton shorts. Next, he cupped her breasts in his hands and squeezed them, inspiring a tiny yelp of pleasure from Clary. She took off her bra so he could run his hand over the smooth skin, and pinch her nipples, tugging them hard so that she yelped again, this time in pain as well as pleasure. He kissed her breasts one at a time, licking the nipples and pinching them between his fingers and teeth. Clary couldn’t believe how good it felt. 

In all of this time, her hands had swept across his body, marking his skin, before settling on the erection in his pants. “Take them off,” She said, feeling less shy now that she was exposed to him. He obediently disposed of them and his erection waited for her touch. She looked up at him hesitantly. “What should I do?”

“You haven’t-”He didn’t finish the thought.

“No,” She shook her head firmly.

“Oh. For now, just come here,” He said, drawing her up into his arms. Clary very nearly jumped into his embrace, planting firm kisses against his mouth, his chin, and his neck. Her red hair was wild, spilling over her breasts and down her back, her forehead clammy with a sheen of sweat he wiped with the back of his hand, her green eyes full of want and need that she didn’t even understand. 

Clary sat on his lap, grinding against his erection. “Lay down on your back,” He said, in between planting hungry kisses against her throat. She hesitantly did as he ordered and laid on her back, head resting against the pillow, red hair spilling all around her. He touched her knees, spreading them apart, and brought his head down, placing his mouth right between her legs. His green eyes looked at her before closing, making Clary shiver. Slowly, he broke Clary apart with his mouth and tongue, flecking his tongue across her clit, gently brushing his lips against the walls and folds inside of her, pushing his tongue deeper to taste the pleasure he was arousing out of her. 

Yelping, Clary snaked her fingers through Jace’s blonde hair, and let him know just how much she appreciated his tongue moving around inside of her. He took his time, only stopping to insert a finger in her, drawing a circle against her clit and labia, causing her to moan. Clary couldn’t believe how good it felt. She raised her thighs and ground herself against his finger, coming so forcefully that she felt wet hot liquid drip between her legs. Waves of pleasure radiated from where his finger stroked her, releasing her tension in ways she hadn’t known were possible but needed and wanted ever since he’d begun kissing her.

Shortly after he’d stopped devouring Clary, he laid down on the bed and started palming himself hard, waiting for her to come before he finished himself off. His erection was almost painful, his shaft a dark blue color, when Clary whispered that he’d made her come. She laid down on the bed next to him, staring at him shyly. “What do you want me to do?” She asked.

“Look at me,” He answered, grabbing her breast in one hand, causing her eyes to become hooded, and palming his shaft hard with his other. Clary didn’t seem content to simply lay there and let him finish, bringing her head down over his cock and licking the crown. Pulling his cock out of her mouth, he ejaculated into his hand so that he didn’t get any of his seed on her. Clary was smiling at him, then frowning, as he pulled her against his chest and into his arms, holding her tight.

 

The curtains in Jace’s bedroom had been drawn, sunlight flooding through the window. Clary was underneath the covers, safe in the darkness, when she felt the covers jerk down to expose her bare legs. “No,” She complained, tugging a corner of Jace’s duvet back towards her. 

“I have coffee,” Sebastian said, handing her the offering once she sat up and slowly blinked her swollen eyes. Clary snatched the cup out of his hands and looked away, her cheeks reddening as she remembered her dream from last night. As if he could read her private shame, Sebastian’s eyes widened, in what Clary registered as surprise. But he quickly tampered down whatever it was he was wondering or thinking of and sat down next to her on the bed. 

“We have to leave soon,” He announced instead. “This is the last place I should be right now. Our mother, or Jace’s parabatai, or likely a Backthorn will find me out soon. I should disappear before that happens.”

She drank the coffee and nodded. “I’ll just pack up.”

“There’s no need,” Sebastian said, “Everything you need will be waiting when we arrive there. Just bring your stele.”

“You’re kidding,” Clary said. “You expect me to not even bring a backpack with my clothes or a purse?”

He shook his head. “It would raise suspicion. I’ve planned our escape but we have to be careful and not alert the guard or the surveillance team.” Clary realized that he meant he had planned a diversion. She wondered what kind of diversion to herself but he did not divulge the details of his plan to her, trusting that she would be able to keep up in the moment.

Sebastian hopped off the bed but hovered near the door. “Oh, and one more thing. Jace’s friends-You can’t involve them.”

“I understood that perfectly clear before,” Clary reddened. “Why are you telling me this now?” 

Her brother shrugged lightly. “I thought it was worth reminding you, is all.” He shoved out the door to finish planning their escape. 

More than likely, their escape involved a portal. But how? Clary shook her head and finished her coffee, wondering how she had ended up fighting on Sebastian Morgenstern’s side, against the Council and against Jace Herondale. It was a bizarre twist her life had recently taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Thank you for all of the subscribers, comments, and kudos. It really means the world to me. I’m always love feedback. My tumblr is lilyohevans if you’d like to find me on tumblr land.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The escape

Clary heard an explosion in the library, the thudding of stone wall breaking apart and falling to the ground. Sebastian was holding her hand, pulling her up the staircase at such a fast pace she could barely keep up with him, past the guards storming the floor to the library and clock tower. He led them to the roof, blasting the door open with Jace’s stele, and shoving Clary out into the cold night air.

“What the hell did you do?” Clary accused.

“No one’s been hurt. The library was empty. Come on, you have to open a portal out here on the roof.” He pointed to the empty concrete floor amidst metal chairs, tables, and a grill that was used during the summer. Clary frowned.

“I can’t make a portal,” She said. “I’m not a warlock.”

“Yes, you can,” Sebastian insisted. “You can do this. Use your stele and get us out of here!”

Reluctantly, Clary got her stele out of her pocket and knelt down on the concrete, seeing the rune that would accomplish the task and despairing. “I don’t have enough time. It’s really intricate and there has to be an inverted one drawn on the other side. I can’t do it.”

Sebastian threw his hands up in the air, cursing. “Clarissa, do you want to save Jace? Do you want me to be thrown into a cell in the citadel, stripped of Jace’s runes? It will kill me. Hurry up and just draw the damned rune. You’ve got this,” He hissed, teeth gritted.

Rushing, Clary drew with her stele on the concrete, a symbol she didn’t understand and couldn’t hold onto in her mind’s eye for longer than a few seconds, lifting her head up and attempting to remember for a few precious seconds, before remembering again and completing the symbol. By the time she was done, her brother was yanking her back as a portal opened up where her feet had been mere seconds ago.

He was still holding her hand, looking her in the eyes, when they both jumped in tandem into the portal. It engulfed them, making Clary’s gut twist as it flung them out the other side.  
The other side was a busy Parisian street near the Grand Trianon, Clary noted, before feeling overwhelmingly sick. Keeling over, Clary threw up onto the paved street, Sebastian patting her back  
comfortingly as she lost everything in her stomach.

Feeling weak, she collapsed right as his arms lifted her back onto her feet. “Clarissa,” He seemed worried, as if he hadn’t expected this reaction. “Clarissa, are you alright?” When she didn’t answer him, he carried her in his arms as he had on the rooftop at the Church of Lilith, walking down the street towards a destination only Sebastian was aware of.

 

Clary woke up in an unfamiliar bed. She was in a man’s room, furnished with dark mahogany bookcases and a matching wardrobe and desk. Clary was so tired after expending all of her energy to open the portal and her body was weak but she fought to stay awake long enough to sit up on the bed and look around her.

Paintings of the Glass City of Idris hung in frames on the wall. She didn’t recognize all of the places depicted in the paintings, though she did recognize the glass towers and the lake and dark forest that surrounded Idris’s guarded borders. All manner of books lined the shelves of the bookcases, mostly concerning war but also books of poems and classic literature. There were some novels on the nightstand.

Flushing, she realized that she wasn’t wearing her tunic and pulled the covers over her chest as the door opened, to admit Sebastian carrying a tray of soup and oyster crackers, along with a glass of water and some pills. “What happened to my shirt?” She asked him as he set the tray down on her lap.

“You threw up when we came through the portal and you reeked so I put it in the wash,” He explained. 

Clary didn’t feel as though it would be wise to make such a big deal about her brother removing her shirt, having no desire to argue with him while she was sick and tired. “Using powerful runes is draining. And I always throw up when I travel through portals.”

“Well, thanks for the warning,” Sebastian muttered darkly, feeling her forehead with the back of his hand. He gave up trying to take her temperature and gestured towards the food. “Eat. It will make you feel better.” As she lifted a spoonful of soup to her mouth, he talked. “There’s plenty of clothes you can change into. Valentine bought an entire wardrobe for Jocelyn and kept it here, hoping they’d be reunited one day. Some of the things he bought might fit you.”

She didn’t relish the thought, focusing on more important questions, looking at Sebastian curiously. “Where exactly are we?”

“An apartment Valentine kept, in another dimension. It’s connected to various places throughout Europe and a portal outside of Idris.” 

“Valentine just traveled through other dimensions?” Clary asked. Sebastian nodded his head. “Does Jace know about this place?”

“I don’t believe so,” Sebastian said. “Valentine said he never brought him here. Which doesn’t mean he won’t eventually just show up here.”

Clary emptied the bowl of soup, then ate all of the oyster crackers, and took the medicine he’d put near the glass of water, emptying the glass, too.

“Do you want some wine, maybe?” He asked. Clary’s stomach twisted and she shook her head. “Alright, then. There’s a television in the living room, mostly sports and news channels, but there’s plenty of movies.”

It was difficult to think of Valentine as an ordinary person, who did ordinary things like watching films and soccer matches on the television. Clary tensed her shoulders. “You’ll tell me if you have to leave, right?”

“Yes,” He promised, patting her knee on top of the covers and removing the tray form her lap. “I’m not going anywhere until you’re better. Rest up.”

“Please, don’t leave me alone. This place is strange. It makes me feel weird,” Clary complained. Sebastian put the tray down on the nightstand and sat next to her on the bed.

“The feeling is mutual,” He said, taking her hand. Sebastian looked ready to unburden himself, to confess something that was bothering him, and sighed. “I went into my old room earlier, and it’s physically painful to be reminded of who I was. Who I am,” He said, correcting himself.

Reaching out, Clary held the side of his face in her hand. “This is who you are. You have a soul. You have free-will. And you understand what it is to be human now.”

“Yes,” He said, leaning into her touch. “I do. I thought having a soul would change me, rid me of the impure feelings I had before, but all it’s done is make those feelings worse, because now I know better but still have those thoughts. And if I have free-will because I have a soul, if I have a choice because I’m more human, it means I’m damning myself regardless.” 

She stared at her brother with a confused expression and he held her hand against the side of his face. Suddenly, she understood and her eyes darkened with sadness. “We’re both confused. We both feel guilty and ashamed and we feel like terrible people. But we’re not bad people. We’re only human.” Sebastian looked at her, his green eyes wanting to believe Clary’s words. “You’re Jonathan Morgenstern, my brother. The moment you gained a soul, you became the brother I never had. I love you, Jonathan.”

In naming him, Clary changed him in ways she didn’t understand. “I love you, Clarrissa Fray,” He said, shutting his eyes. Clary ran her fingers through Jace’s blonde hair, through Jonathan’s hair, she corrected herself, and thought about the soul withering inside of Sebastian Morgenstern’s body as they held one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading and for the kudos and comments.


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